It all started on a beautiful Sunday morning in Pahoa, Hawaii, where I currently reside as an intern on a permaculture farm for the summer. It’s a lot of hard work during the weekdays, so all the interns go absolutely bat shit on the weekends and we fill our time with endless adventures exploring the Big Island. Naturally, my FOMO kicks in and I find myself saying “YES!” to absolutely everything regardless of the voice in the back of my head saying something like, “you are seriously a narp if you think you can do that successfully without totally embarrassing yourself.”
God, sometimes I am so embarrassing it kills me. Forget about the myth of reinventing yourself wherever you go. I have been gifted the natural talent of being the most ridiculous human being in the group… literally wherever I go. I have accepted the fact that being a nutcase is the comic relief that other people need in their life. Everyone, you are welcome.
So naturally I’m like, super into cliff jumping here in Hawaii. I DO want to let everyone know that I DID successfully jump off a 30 ft cliff at this avatar-like setting called the boiling pots near Hilo and from there I was like, “I CAN DO ALL THINGS!”
But knowing the rhythms of my life, I knew my newfound badass would only last for so long. It was only a matter of time until life slapped me in the ass (literally).
Like it did at the South Point cliffs.
So here I “sit” with my ass hanging halfway off my chair because I cannot actually sit like a normal person because I have bruises the size of this actual island on my backside. It’s all very beautiful, in a way; it’s my welcoming gift to the islands. Instead of a lei (or getting laid), I get quite the opposite gift that has in fact, destroyed any chance of me actually getting laid. Now I have quite the earthly mixture of brown, greens and yellows on my finely crafted derrière. But hey, this place is full of those annoying kinda hippies and maybe it will be their kind of earthly turn-on. A girl can only dream…
(That means thank you in case you didn’t get it)
I want to be able to tell everyone the fantasy of me being a mermaid and gracefully jumping 30+ feet into the ocean without even disturbing the fish below and climbing up the ladder whipping my hair back and forth like a model goddess and all the boys thinking I’m so badass and later one of them takes me out for drinks and I wake up oceanside in his bungalow with fresh pineapple and papaya served to me in bed….
You’d be better off envisioning me flailing off a cliff and slapping my ass on the water so hard- listening to the “oooooooo’s” and “is she okay?!’s” that followed my impeccable doom…
In reality, I was hot, sweaty, and uncomfortably sandy from the two mile desert walk I just endured to get back from the beach we hiked into earlier. I’m sitting in the back of an old pick up truck with a severe sunburn and a dry mouth from dehydration. Someone handed me a joint and I’m so blissed out on life (Yes- you can be ugly, miserable AND blissed out at the same) I gladly took a hit of it and thanked the lucky stars for blessing with such a wonderful moment in my life.
Minutes later, we arrive at the South Point. My heart skips a beat because I’m suddenly so stoned and I realize what’s actually in front of me… it’s a 30+ foot drop off and everyone is jumping. Fuck, why did I decide to get high before this? It’s really a terrifying feeling to be stoned and to realize you can’t be a clot and pass up on the opportunity to do something rad.
So just like that, I begin to pretend to be the model goddess I fantasize about and I tossed my clothes aside, threw down my hair, and walked to the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, my adrenaline junkie friend Nikki’s voice ran through my head. Her classic motto of “don’t think, just do!” is the reason why I will not be getting laid anytime soon and I blame her for being the ultimate cock block during the first month of my Hawaiian adventure.
Without further ado, here is a video of my spliff jumping:
I wish I could tell you exactly what happened. I don’t even really know. But I do remember flailing my arms a few times like a bird and then somehow I ended up in the pike position and I slapped my booty so perfectly on the ocean it knocked the wind out of me. The entire time I was climbing up the ladder the only thing that was running through my mind was, “Okay Han, don’t embarrass/hurt yourself more and take one step at a time. Oh shit, am I bleeding? Am I bleeding all over the dudes below me!?” Okay, I admit, that’s pretty fucking gross but that was seriously what was going through my head. It was just awful.
I insta-bruised and had multiple Hawaiian’s come up to me saying “OYEE! Welcome to Hawaii!!” It was pretty unfortunate.
Anyway, after an hour of time-out, I decided to stop being stupid and to suck it up because there was a beautiful cave that people were jumping into. Yes, I successfully jumped this time… from the lowest possible point… it was about 8 feet and I was scared.
On the way home, we listened to Alanis Morrisette in the back of the pickup truck and I treated myself to a juicy hamburger and a pint of IPA to heal myself.
The vegans were not impressed.
And in the words of Alanis Morisette “You live, you learn.”