2016, May Fifth.

I woke up in my jeans.

That’s always an indication that I most definitely got a little too drunk and somehow found my bed.

I got home and found Wesley in the kitchen with half his face covered in flour. He looked like two face, but stupid. I asked him why he had flour all over half his face and he couldn’t remember how it happened. He didn’t even realize it was there. It was only 7:00pm.

I ran to the store to grab a new bottle of tequila. I scored the last 4 limes and ran home to play catch up. During that time, Wesley managed to somehow function enough to take a shower and clean up for his lady friend who made an appearance last night. I don’t know what she sees in him.

It was 4 dudes and me. I killed a game of beer pong and Jeff and I took so many tequila shots I think we talked about his dead grandma. I talked about my dead grandma too. But his dead grandma maybe matters more right now because I think she died pretty recently and I think he asked me to help him write his dead grandma’s obituary and I told him “sure.”

Scott is visiting from out of town. He’s from Sun Valley and just got back from 5 months in South America with his girlfriend. I don’t like Scott. He knows. This is why I don’t like him: I came home one day and no one was home except for a total stranger sitting on my couch. He didn’t make the greatest first impression. He went on to tell me he was just waiting for his probation meeting.

Scott smokes cigarettes and this is the thing I like about Scott. I don’t really smoke, but when there’s tequila in my system, sure.

So we got real drunk and we smoked a few cigarettes and we had a great time, even if Scott was there.

Wesley’s lady friend came over and I realized I don’t really like her, even if she’s not a vegan. She’s one of those really cool outdoor girls who works at a brewery and lives on a sailboat and likes to talk about it. I beat her in beer pong and her and Wesley smooched all night.

Grayson’s little brother showed up and he’s still in high school. What the fuck? He looked too much like Grayson.

Grayson was upset his girlfriend blew him off on cinco de mayo to hang out with her girlfriends. Grayson also took a real big poop in the downstairs bathroom and didn’t wash his hands afterwards. We all drunkenly cursed him out and made him wash his hands. He used the yellow dish soap in the kitchen.

We somehow ended the night in one giant cuddle puddle on the couch. I couldn’t find my phone and the one person functioning enough to call it was unfortunately Scott, so now he’s got my number.

I woke up in my jeans and to the smell of bacon. Wesley’s sailboat lady is really trying to win us over. After she cooked pig, she left and didn’t clean up and so I made a quesadilla and didn’t clean that up either.

I had a flashback on the couch whilst eating the bacon that sailboat girl made. Said flashback was one of me voming outside. I went downstairs to check. Said flashback was real. I haven’t gotten sick from drinking since I was 19 and a sorority sister at the University of Idaho. That sentence makes me want to vomit again.

Jeff says I have a loud voice and that it wasn’t the bacon that woke him up this morning, but it was me. Scott slept on our couch for the fourth night in a row. Grayson’s gone and left his knee brace here—I’m not sure how he’s functioning today. Wesley left for Mazama and here I am: in my bedroom with my vomit outside waiting for Scott to leave.




  1. Hana,

    This is the sentence that made me laugh out loud… *That sentence makes me want to vomit again.* This all rings a bell from when I was your age…chaotic randomness reigns supreme.

    Chinese Mexicali Surrogate Chopped Liver (is the real name that I won first prize with – in the raw foods category – of Vegetarian Times (then called Well Being Magazine) recipe contest. A friend saw it and said, “Guess what – there’s another Harvey Schwartz living in Portland”… I never actually made the recipe…just came up with it in my head.


    On Fri, May 6, 2016 at 2:44 PM, No Vegans Allowed wrote:

    > novegansallowed posted: “I woke up in my jeans. That’s always an > indication that I most definitely blacked out and somehow found my bed. I > got home and found Wesley in the kitchen with half his face covered in > flour. He looked like two face, but stupid. I asked him why he had f” >

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